No, it's not time for me to clean my gutters (it certainly needs to be done, but I don't see myself ever getting around to doing it). It's time for me to fantasy cast that every-elusive TV show that should have happened years ago, Dungeons & Dragons!
A new Dungeons & Dragons movie is actually currently in the works, set to start filming next year and supposedly starring Ansel Egort (I'm not sure if that's the actor's name or his D&D character), but until this damn thing actually happens I'm going to keep making up my own show in my head. Hell, I'll probably keep doing it even after the movie comes out, because I assume it will be better than whatever Hollywood spews out anyway.
To get you up to speed:
In Season One, a Badass Crew of adventurers team up under the leadership of Sir Brador (Jonathan Banks) to bring down a rebellion led by Ezbar (John Leguizamo). The crew is hired by the weird and creepy Baron of Gutslinger (Steve Buscemi), who actually turns out to be a sadistic madman and so the crew turn on him, and Brador's protege Tasty Sugarbush (Emily Blunt) ends up cutting down the Baron.
In Season Two, the crew have now become outlaws and are on the run from the True King after killing the Baron. The party wizard Thromboné (Christopher Lambert) betrays the group and murders Sir Brador. Tasty takes over leadership and begrudgingly sides the Rebel King Ezbar, which causes Bainthaureth the elf (Noomi Rapace) to leave the group. The dwarf Hamhock (Jordan Prentice) sacrifices himself to kill the vile Last Fitzbibbons (Colt Cabana). The party is broken, and in the end are defeated by the King's forces, led by a fearful new Dark Lord played by Vin Diesel. The villain kills Ezbar and the rebellion is put down, and Tasty is captured.
Tasty was thrust into the role of Heroine and leader last season with Brador's death, though she ultimately failed to hold the party together.
She starts the season imprisoned by the King of All He Sees, awaiting trial and likely execution. She escapes on her own accord, encountering former party member Sylverius on the outside. Sylverius claims he was coming to rescue her, but she finds his claims dubious since he was nowhere to be seen when their group was defeated by the Dark Lord's forces.
She goes on a quest to stop the King from unleashing untold darkness upon the world, gathering a new group of warriors around her. But unlike last season, when she tried to take care of her allies and build a cohesive unit, she only concerns herself with the goal, and the only comrades worthy in her eyes are those that can keep up. She trusts no one and asks for no trust in return.
Sylverius and Tasty have a long and storied history, and he may or may or may not be manipulating her for dark purposes. It was thanks to him that she threw in with the Rebel King and was arrested last season, and she believes his unsuccessful attempts to save her are part of his scheme.
Much of the season is spent asking the question of whether Sylverius is actually in league with the dark forces that are threatening the world, if he has some personal vendetta of his own against Tasty, or if it truly is all a misunderstanding.
Though The Dark Lord is technically the villain of this season, Thromboné is the one Tasty is seeking personal revenge against for betraying and murdering her mentor/lover. The evil, remorseless wizard may get his just deserts in the final moments of the season, but not before he is responsible for the death of at least one more hero first...
Thromboné is the monumental asshole you love to hate and want to punch in the face, but the protagonists always seem to find themselves one step behind him.
The Dark Lord is back to chew scenery and have some bad-ass fights, as well as make the heroes' lives miserable. He is on a mission, given to him by some otherworldly, demonic power (after he slays the master's first harbinger), to clear the path for said demon's invasion. The Rebel King has already fallen and the "One True King" doesn't last long this season, so the only ones left standing in the way are Tasty and her band.
The noble paladin is still hunting The Dark Lord to get revenge for killing her family, but she also recognizes that Tasty's cause is just and seeks to help her on her quest. She is the only Beacon of Light in the group alongside the moody Tasty and Bainthaureth, providing stark contrast and possibly even comic relief to an otherwise bleak situation.
Her path will lead her directly to an epic confrontation with The Dark Lord in the final moments of the season...
Bainthaureth was an important member of the Badass Crew in season 1, the deadly elf warrior/mage who looked down on everyone as her inferior but had the skills to back it up. She left the group when they sided with the Rebel King in season 2, but returns to Tasty's side after Ezbar is destroyed. She grudgingly respects Tasty for her prowess in battle and begins to feel similarly for Lorelai after she discovers that the paladin is also a force to be reckoned with, though she is still comically distasteful of everyone else they come across.
Colm Feore as Mystic Martin Mithrandir
Martin didn't provide much use last season as the bumbling mage, providing far more "bumbling" than "magic." But when our heroes run afoul of a pair of mighty dragons, their only hope may lie in the crazy old man who, it turns out, may have a weird sexual fetish for giant winged lizards...
SEASON TWO GUEST STARS
Kenny Omega as Lord Charming
It came out at the end of last season that Charming was plotting to overthrow the Dark Lord to curry favour with demonic forces from another world. The Big Bad does not take this kindly and so does away with Lord Charming early in season 3, leaving behind a band of pissed-off, leaderless cultists looking to get revenge.
The leader of a small group of knights, warriors and soldiers who still fight on despite being hopelessly outnumbered by The Dark Lord's forces. He is a grim realist, who knows the battle is lost and that our heroes' quest in futile, but his stubborn nature won't let him quit. He fights valiantly alongside the crew but will probably meet his untimely end after a couple of episodes.
Once the most powerful businesswoman in the Realm, the Mistresss has fallen on hard times thanks to the Dark Lord's reign. She has thrown in with Sir Richard, and with nothing left to lose we may finally see her show her bad-ass side this season.
Jessica Walter as the voice of Trogdorlina the Dragon
The dragon Trogdorlina survived her encounter with the party last season, after they slew her mate in Season One. She is more cautious than Trogdor, and so had taken her time to plot a new a scheme to wipe out Tasty and her cronies once and for all. The first step in her plan? Bring in back-up...
Jeffrey Tambor as the voice of Trogdogado the Dragon
Trogdorlina has a new lover, and he's stronger and more dangerous than either Trogdor or Trogdorlina herself. He is also well-versed in magic, and was actually one of Mysic Martin's original teachers. The only problem? Trogdogado is too lazy to get out of his own way, and will need major motivation to get up and starting razing and pillaging again. Maybe crossing paths with his old apprentice will wake the beast's ire...
Decked out in a ton of prosthetics, the Korn frontman shows up late in the season as the demonic power behind The Dark Lord's schemes.
The Dark Lord is understandably disappointed that THIS is the result of all his hard work, but is later relieved to discover that "Satan" is one of the demon's minions sent to test the faith of his followers.
"Satan" is killed and the Dark Lord passes the test.
The Fairy Queen proves to be a foe for the heroes during some early episodes as her people are completely unconcerned by the machinations of the demonic dark forces, and mess with the crew just for the hell of it. Bainthaureth eventually convinces the Queen to join their cause, but not before the two have a kick-ass duel.
In a shocking but happy moment, the asshole King of All He Sees is murdered by The Dark Lord in the first episode.
No one tells Chevy Chase about it until the day of shooting.
So that's my dramatis personae for Season 2. (Don't forget, Season 1 is right here and Season 2 is here) Who would you cast in a D&D TV show?
You can also catch C.D. Gallant-King on his other blog, Stories I Found in the Closet and on Twitter. Oh, and hey, he writes books, too! Hell Comes to Hogtown is now available from Amazon.com. It's the story of a comic book nerd and a pro-wrestler trying to clear their names in a kidnapping while evading a demonic hobo. Yes, it's supposed to be funny.