Last year around this time I wrote a post about who I would cast in a D&D TV series. Such an event wouldn't be completely out of the realm of possibility: with the glut of fantasy and sci-fi filling our screens these days, there has never been a better time to get Fireballs and Magic Missiles on our TV screens. Plus, with the recently released 5th Edition going strong, Hasbro/WotC would be foolish not to jump on the chance for some cross promotion.
It can't possibly be as bad as the old official D&D movies. I'm hoping with a decent budget and a cable network that wouldn't shy away from blood and violence, we could have a fun little show on our hands. This could be the next Game of Thrones or Walking Dead, people...
And hey, even if this doesn't work out, there's a sequel to Hawk the Slayer in the works...
Emily Blunt as Tasty Sugarbush
Tasty graduated from Action Girl last season to Heroine this year as her mentor and lover, Sir Brador, is killed off early in the season and she takes up the mantel of leader for the Badass Crew.
Previously a loner who only looked out for herself, she now has to deal with the responsibility of bringing together a disparate group of weird and dangerous characters in order to save the world while also coming to grips with Brador's death and various other treacheries from people she once trusted.
Once again, she must never become the Damsel in Distress. She knows how to take care of herself. It's trying to figure out how to take care of everyone else that creates the drama.
Taye Diggs as Sylverius
Sylverius was a recurring character last season but gets promoted in Brador's absence. A mercenary who the Crew originally saw as a rival, he joins the Rebel's King's cause and tries to convince Tasty and her band to join him. He and Tasty actually have a history together, going back to childhood that will be revealed over the course of the season. She blames him for horrible things that happened to her as a child that may or may not be true.
Jordan Prentice as Hamhock the Dwarf
Hamhock was the artificer and cunning strategist of the group last season, but he has fallen to drink and depression after the death of his best friend Bluto. He just starts to overcome his demons when the man who killed Bluto - Fitzbibbons - joins the crew and sends the dwarf into an even more dangerous spiral of rage and self-destruction. Can he get past his issues to once again become a valuable member of the team? Or will he be causality of his own design before the season is over?
Last year it seemed Thromboné was a lock to betray the heroes in the final scene but he stayed true to the group and helped them survive their battle against the Rebel King.
He saved his betrayal for this season. With their goal of eliminating the King of Dyskovenia apparently accomplished, Thromboné mercilessly attacks his former allies at the behest of his King. Brador is killed and Bainthaureth is driven away, as Thromboné aligns himself with the new Big Bag (The Dark Lord). The rest of the group survives and joins up with the deposed Rebel King to extract revenge against Thromboné and the Big Bad.
Ezbar was the Big Bad last season, the vile and bloodthirsty rebel looking to destroy the kingdom. This season... he's still vile and bloodthirsty, but it turns out the True King is even worse than him.
Somehow the Rebel King survived the pitched battle at the end of last season and once again begins using his charismatic ways to rally forces around him. When the Badass Crew are betrayed by the King and Thromboné, they have no choice but to throw in with Ezbar as well in a desperate attempt to save the kingdom as well as their own necks. But can the Reformed Villain be trusted?
Colt Cabana as The Last Fitzbibbons
In Season One a member of the Fitzbibbons family was killed almost every episode, the joke being that every one of them was played by Colt Cabana (once in drag as the Fitzbibbons sister). In the end, the "Last" Fitzbibbons turned out to be 100% more effective than his siblings, as he killed Bluto, the party barbarian and Hamhock's best friend.
When the party turns and joins the Rebel King's side, Fitzbibbons becomes the group's Token Evil Member, being a bad guy who doesn't know how to get along with the others. He is especially reviled by the dwarf Hamhock, and it will take great sacrifice by the Last Fitzbibbons before he is forgiven for his transgressions.
Come on. You know he would be down to be in a D&D show. I'm surprised he hasn't pitched this series himself, and I can't believe I missed including him the first time around.
Diesel takes over the King's orders to destroy Dyzkovenia after the Baron of Gutslinger failed in Season One. He starts as the party's patron and boss, but he becomes the Big Bad when it's revealed that The King is actually an evil lunatic trying to destroy the world, and the Rebel King was just the first person to see through his plans and tried to stop him.
When Thromboné betrays the group in an early episode, they need a new wizard to round out their party. Who better to play the wild, insane wood mystic than the proper, straight-laced Colm Feore?
Mystic Martin is a Cloudcuckoolander/Mentor who is bat-shit insane but also an incredibly powerful. He has only moderate control over his magic, but he is dragged along because he is the only one who can combat Thromboné and the Dark Lord at their own game.
The Heartrender is the only genuinely good person in a party full of killers and cutthroat weirdos. The Dark Lord destroyed her home and family many years ago, so young Lorelai became a knight and a paladin to right the wrongs he caused. She joins Tasty and the Rebel King grudgingly because they are the only ones brave enough to stand against the King and his evil minions.
She is the Heart and moral compass of the team, trying to steer their wickedness to do good.
Hey look, another wrestler. It's my show and I can do what I want!
Charming is The Dark Lord's right hand man and Dragon, a rakish, well-to-do noble that loves to feast and womanize but seems out of place in the dark army threatening to overtake the land. The truth, however is that he is a cleric of a dark god of ritualistic slaughter and a dangerous warrior in his own right. It becomes apparent late in the season that he may himself be plotting against the Dark Lord in order to strengthen his own position when the demons inevitably take over the world.
Noomi Rapace as Bainthaureth the Elf
Bainthaureth was an important member of the Badass Crew last season, the deadly elf warrior/mage who looked down on everyone as her inferior but had the skills to back it up. When the group sides with the Rebel King she forsakes her former allies as she blames him for murdering her family. She appears only occasionally through the rest of the season, though the door is still open for her to return in Season 3.
Bruce Campbell as the Warlord Autolycus
Autolycus was a mercenary warlord whose army was destroyed during the final battle of Season 1. Now a homeless, penniless crippled beggar, he wanders the countryside cursing those he blames for his failures and trying, pathetically and comedically, to raise another army.
Owner of The Violent Mime tavern and almost every brothel and gambling house in the land, Mistress Brumhilde shows up regularly as a source of information for the main characters. She tries not to become too strongly aligned with any side during the conflict, but eventually she draws the attention of the Dark Lord who destroys her business and nearly kills her, leaving her broken and alone.
A wandering minstrel and performer, The Bard appears a couple of times through the season as a bumbling and harmless musician, though oddly wherever he goes murder and monsters follow. He is actually cursed with powerful magic that forever haunts him and brings ruin and destruction to those around him, which causes numerous headaches and challenges for the Crew whenever they cross his path.
Last season, the party defeated Trogdorlina's mate, but now she's back for revenge. Bigger, stronger and more pissed off that Trogdor, you can't have Dungeons & Dragons without a dragon, can you?
The King of Everything He Sees is finally revealed in the second season after being only mentioned in name last year. He turns out to be a childish and senile old bastard who made pacts with dark forces in exchange for power and long life. Those powers are now coming to collect and endanger the entire world, but the King is too mad and self-centered to notice or care. He leaves only pain and suffering in his wake and his selfish and evil advisers (including the Dark Lord) are all to happy to humour him in exchange for their own power.
So that's my dramatis personae for Season 2. (Don't forget, Season 1 is right here) Who would you cast in a D&D TV show?
You can also catch C.D. Gallant-King on his other blog, Stories I Found in the Closet and on Twitter. Oh, and hey, he wrote a book, too! Ten Thousand Days by C.D. Gallant-King, now available from Amazon.com.