6 People I Want to Play D&D With
No, these are not necessarily people I would like to hang out with in normal day-to-day activity or even necessarily want to meet. These are people I think would honestly be fascinating and fun to play D&D with, because they bring a strange collection of skills, personalities and backgrounds together that would (I hope) coalesce into a melting pot of awesomeness. Either that, or everyone would be at each other's throats in under fifteen minutes. Which could also be fun.
(FYI - I went back and forth for a long time about whether I should title this post "6 People With Whom I Want to Play D&D." Still haven't figured that one out.)
#6 - Pope Francis
Jorge Mario Bergolio was born in Buenos Aires in 1936, the eldest son of an Italian accountant. He loves soccer (his favourite team being the San Lorenzo de Almagro football club), tango dancing and traditional South American music. Also, he’s the head of the Catholic Church and the Supreme Sovereign of the Vatican City (known for their ridiculously-dressed but ass-kickingly well-trained Swiss Guards).
|Bitchin'! I just rolled an 18/00 for Strength!|
Why do I want him at my table?
My favourite clerics are the ones who yell awesome, silly, over-the-top dogma while they smite their foes. “BY THE NAME OF THOR!” or “MEET THEE THY MAKER IN HELL!” or “YOUR RELIGION IS A MOCKERY FOUNDED ON THE RAMBLINGS OF DRUNKEN HIPPIES AND YE SHALL BE JUDGED NOT ONLY FOR THINE SINS BUT FOR THOSE OF YOUR FATHERS AND ALL YOUR HEMP-SMELLING SHAMAN WITCH DOCTORS!” and shit like that. Usually it’s just goofy stuff made up by guys based on gibberish Friar Tuck said in movies or that they think remember from church when they were a kid. Now imagine a guy running a cleric who knew every scrap of history, teaching and dogma (both public and private) from the most powerful religious organization in the history of mankind. Can you imagine the kind of crazy holy mumbo-jumbo he would come up with about how, when or why to fight and/or kill your enemies? Pope Francis would play the most fascinating and frustrating cleric you can imagine. He would probably want to actually recite all of his cleric’s morning, noon and night prayers, as well as the words to his magic spells (in Latin, of course). And can you imagine trying to get anything done with him in the party? His stances on the hot-button topics of abortion, homosexuality and so on are well publicized, but where does he stand on goblin genocide? I can’t wait for the inevitable player arguments over whether or not to kill the prisoners.
Also, I want to see him roll 11 critical hits in a row. You just know Jesus will have his back.
5. Kenny Omega
Who?Canadian professional wrestler who works primarily for the Dramatic Dream Team promotion out of Japan. A man who walked away from a potential contract with World Wrestling Entertainment and a shot at fame and fortune to wrestle midgets, invisible men, offensive homosexual stereotypes and little girls in a third-rate Japanese wrestling company. And it was absolutely the right choice.
|Redneck American audiences would not have appreciated this guy.|
Why do I want him at my table?Omega is my favourite wrestler, not because he does a sweet tope-con-hilo and a picture-perfect standing Shooting Star press (however he does both beautifully), but because he knows wrestling is ridiculous and he embraces it wholeheartedly. He's very athletically gifted and highly charismatic, but instead of trying to be a cool, serious wrestler like 99% of guys in the ring, he just goes out there to make a fool of himself. He wrestles in brutal hardcore matches with tables and dives off of balconies not because he's a sadomasochistic psychopath (like most Japanese wrestlers), but because it's hilarious. He doesn't pretend anything is real and openly acknowledges to the audience that he's a performaner putting on a show, and does it all with a wink and a smile.
He uses moves from the Street Fighter video games and has had extended, competitive matches with a blow-up sex doll:
Can you imagine the kind of crazy character he would run in D&D? He would find a way to kill his PC during the character creation process. He would swear a blood feud against his 10-foot pole for failing to detect a pit trap, and then spend the entire campaign fighting it in epic duels. I can't even begin to guess what kind of crap he would pull off, and I don't want to. I would rather be surprised.
4. Michael Winslow
Who?Comedian and Sound Effects Savant. If you were a child of the 80s, you know him as Larvell Jones from the Police Academy movies.
|You knew shit was getting real when he put the bandana on.|
Why do I want him at my table?Oh, come on. Who wouldn't want to spend an evening with this guy:
Sure, it would get old after about 6 minutes, but those first six minutes would be the most glorious tenth of an hour ever spent gaming. Every aspect out of the game would come alive in a blistering soundscape - every soft footfall through the forest, every drop of murky water in the deep dungeons, every sword crashing against steel and every wounded goblin's painful death wail. You think your mom tells you and your smelly friends to keep it down now? Wait'll she gets a load of this guy...
3. Christopher Lee
Who?Count Dracula. Saruman the White. Sith Lord Tyranus. Intelligence officer for the British Air Force during World War II. Married a Danish supermodel. Bond villain. Commander and Knight in the Order of the British Empire. Death Metal musician. Willy Wonka's dad.
|This is the least cool picture of him I could find. And it's still better than any picture that will ever be taken of me.|
Why do I want him at my table?
Besides the fact that's he's one of the coolest people alive, you have to believe that of everyone on this list, Sir Chris would be most up to a game. A rabid fan of Tolkien and Scandinavian Death Metal, I wouldn't be surprised if he already has a regular Sunday night game. Probably not though. He would have cooler things to do, like wrestling polar bears or something.
Still, he's mostly retired now, so he would have plenty of time to prepare for the session, and you know he would show up with reams of backstory for his character, a custom-made solid-platinum mini painted by some famous European artist, and probably dressed in his wizard costume from LotR to help him get into character (you just know he took that shit home with him after the shoot). And I don't care in the slightest if he wanted to recite his character's long and convoluted family tree before we sat down to play so that everyone could really understand the depth and gravitas of his gnome illusionist. I would listen to Christopher Lee recite the goddamn phone book for three hours and love every minute of it.
2. Kevin Siembieda
Siembieda is an American author, designer, illustrator and publisher of role-playing games (most notably for Palladium Books since 1981). His notable works include Palladium Fantasy, Heroes Unlimited, The Mechanoid Invasion, ROBOTECH, Rifts and Dead Reign. He is probably one of the most famous and prolific RPG still alive and working today.
|Just reprint pages 45-122 from the last book. Do I look like I fuckin' care?|
Why do I want him at my table?
Because I don’t believe he’s played a goddamn role-playing game in 30 years and want to prove he’s an utter crackpot.
1. Cormac McCarthy
Who?American novelist, playwright and screenwriter. Multiple New York Times Bestseller and award winner. His books have also been turned into Academy-Award-winning films, and despite being 80 years old he can still make women pregnant just by looking at them.
|Sorry ladies, the 'Mac don't pay child support.|
Why do I want him at my table?I don't just want him at my table, I want him to DM. The man can write description and poetry that will make you weep. Literally. I've only read two of his books (Blood Meridian and The Road) because I don't think my brain could handle any more. Both of them were like a Crane kick to the nuts. His writing is dark, brutal, and remorseless, yet beautiful at the same time. He's so over-the-top with his description that it goes waaaay past the fine line between poetry and parody, then turns around, rides back and fucks the line to death before carving the brains out of its head and then using the skull as a bedpan. Reading Blood Meridian was like reading Poet Laureate murder-porn artistes trying to top each other again and again with progressively more horrendous atrocities. But I couldn't put it down. I cannot imagine what it would be like to hear him describe the haunting, filthy and disgusting underbelly of a vile goblin warrens, or to witness first hand the majestic, terrifying and mind-melting horror of meeting a dragon face-to-face.
You can keep Peter Jackson's The Hobbit. I would be content listen to Cormac McCarthy rewrite the flavour text to Keep on the Borderlands.
“Once there were brook trout in the streams in the mountains. You could see them standing in the amber current where the white edges of their fins wimpled softly in the flow. They smelled of moss in your hand. Polished and muscular and torsional. On their backs were vermiculate patterns that were maps of the world in its becoming. Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again. In the deep glens where they lived all things were older than man and they hummed of mystery.”
-Cormac McCarthy, The Road
That's my top 6. How about you? Who would YOU like to game with?